17 April 2007

From McSweeney's: Failed Role-Playing Scenarios

S C E N A R I O O N E

Naughty Schoolgirl
and Randy Literature Teacher


Required costumes:

1. Catholic-school uniform and patent-leather shoes
2. Conservative sweater and corduroys

TEACHER: Young lady, I'd like to talk to you in my office.

SCHOOLGIRL: OK. I'd love to come in your office.

TEACHER: Fine. I'm concerned about the paper you wrote on Emily Dickinson. You just wrote "She was crizzazy" on a piece of notebook paper. Emily Dickinson was a proto-modernist and a groundbreaking female poet. She was certainly eccentric, but calling her crazy denies the possibility that her unique aesthetic was intentional and implies that her poems were simply the product of mental illness.

SCHOOLGIRL: That's not very sexy.

TEACHER: Are you taking too many classes? Is that why you aren't finishing your work?

SCHOOLGIRL: Maybe if I take off my top and my—

TEACHER: Please stop that. I don't want to lose my job. Now, if you agree to do a makeup assignment on floral imagery in the poetry of Marianne Moore, I'll overlook this.

SCHOOLGIRL: But—

TEACHER: My office hours are over now. I'll look forward to getting that paper next week.

SCHOOLGIRL: I think we should get couples counseling.

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